your parents love me but you hate me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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