I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
