When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
