I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
