i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize