maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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