Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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