im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize