problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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