I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How naked do you want me to be?
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