i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
