We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
