you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
