You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
