Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
