she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
