she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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