in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
