Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
