can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
