I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
