Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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