What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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