I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
