He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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