I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
