im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
