You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
