my phone needs a breathalizer
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
