god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
