I cannot find my penis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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