We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
