my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
