I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
