Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
