I accidentally burped into my bong.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
