it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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