Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
