you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
