I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
