He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
