we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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