I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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