why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
