Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
