I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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