NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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