I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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