I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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