Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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