I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
