My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
