I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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