between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
