nut hugger
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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