I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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