textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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