She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
