you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ladies don't puke and tell
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
