I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
