she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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