I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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