I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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