Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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