Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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