Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i dont even know how to be here
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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