Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
