I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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