those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
