We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
