I accidentally burped into my bong.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
