i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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