His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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